Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

My dryer is celebrating lint.

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

The Onion called it…again.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.