Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

no exceptions

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.