I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
be safe out there!
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Just say no
