Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

lmaaaaaooooooooo

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime