I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
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“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
doing your own taxes
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.