Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING