Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.