Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot