I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
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The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
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a McRib killed my tapeworm
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
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Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
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My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.