I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
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Breaking news:
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Not all heroes wear capes…
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites