I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
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I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
