I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
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”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
The Friday File.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Stop sending me this shit.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
Best table by far
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime