I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
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I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?