I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
You Might Also Like
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy