Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

why I oughta

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.