Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

reminder

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.