I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.