I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.