I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
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angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.