I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
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They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”