Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

I’m giving up for Lent.

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.