I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
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Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.