Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)