I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
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I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Banking tips
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Watson was Holmes schooled
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas