Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

I am HOWLING at this

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.