I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I was bored.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.