I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
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Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
😎 🍻
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Autocarrot sucks!
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids