Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

i wish i could marry a nap

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs