Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more