Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Uh oh 👀

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

Aaaa…CHOO!

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence