i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
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FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I can also cook 😂
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.