I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
The Assassin.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
#Caturday
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff