Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her