I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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Overindulged this afternoon.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
“No way.” -Jose
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?