I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
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If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist