Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Oh, I bet you would be

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

Favourite diary entry ever

mentally somewhere in italy

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

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The Chosen Phew

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*