I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
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[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
whatcha thinkin bout
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat