Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”