I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
scrabbled eggs
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.