I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
He just like my cat fr
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.