I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
the answer was staring at me all along
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.