Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

😂🖐️

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.