I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
You Might Also Like
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
somebody come look at this
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
incredible book dedication
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
fired
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My first son he is wonderful
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
*praying for world peace*
God: