I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Me trying to walk in a dream
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
A leaf blower, but for people.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance