I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
You Might Also Like
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”