I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
ready to be harvested
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Not today
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.