Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.