Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

This was my dad’s browser history.

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁