I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Yup.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.