Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

#gardening

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich