I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
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“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
me and who
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
next level snooze
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no