The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
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Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Breaking news:
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.