I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
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i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
getting seasonal up in here
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
on da cob, we all corn
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.