Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.