Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems