I feel seen
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me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Growing up was a huge mistake
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I have so many questions.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.