I feel seen
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Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
we all know this pain all too well
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit