I feel seen
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IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Cndnsd Mlk
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers