I feel seen.
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“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me, flirting😏
Waffles make excellent pill organizers