Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

this is the news I live for

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

My blood type is coffee.

accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards