Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

respect

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.