Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi