Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Her: I love parkour.
Me: *trying to impress* My ancestors were monkeys.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Bing is a fast search engine because you’re the only person using it.