I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Ten years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, & no rope to hang myself with if I read this again.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” he said.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
How did the butcher introduce his wife? MEET PATTY
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful