I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I have a type: disappointing
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…