@El_nacho_Nigre

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

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@drunktweets81

I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.

@ChicksRule

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

@KKAlThani

Ten years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, & no rope to hang myself with if I read this again.

@boring_as_heck

Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” he said.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

@scorpiusryan21

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

@rickkondell

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

@caliluvgirl77

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful