@El_nacho_Nigre

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

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@SissiSay

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

@TheAlexNevil

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

@ConanOBrien

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

@LaqueefaTeen

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

@Ygrene

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

@cervixsmash

Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman

@theshantilly

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

@SuicideBooth1

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

@GloriaFallon123

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

@rad_milk

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi