I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

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Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)


The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.


“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.


No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.


Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all


Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman


Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”


[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]


[walks off]


You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.


awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi