I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no