I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.