I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…