Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

hmmmmmm

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.