I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
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If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
When I face a minor setback
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆