Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

plums roundup

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh