I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I finally found a reason to live again.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Double negatives are never not confusing.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
