I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
It’s actually Dr. whatever
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
*frowns in Scottish*
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Herpes is trending, good job people
