I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
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Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
that lip filler tho
I need better friends
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Home #decor warning.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.