I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I love it
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
