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This story is comedy gold 😂
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
#CoronaOutbreak
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh