i feel so bad i refunded him
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What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
$3 #books
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
“i am a sweet baby”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT