i feel so bad i refunded him
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sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
“No way.” -Jose
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.