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Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
be careful
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup