Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana