I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
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All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*