Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

Have a lovely day 😊

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

The government even made aliens boring

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks