Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….