I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
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Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
HR said no more nunchucks.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?