Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.