Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.