I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
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Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I have a place for everything. The floor.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.