Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.